please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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