There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
