and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
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