I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
