I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
50% drunk capacity currently
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
