can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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