Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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