I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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