hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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