You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
