if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
