Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize