I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
