Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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