There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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