Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
