Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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