alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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