You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
