Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
