He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
