so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
