I cannot find my penis.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
