cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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