he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Even my vagina gasped.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
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