I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
