Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
