Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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