You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
