I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
