I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
