I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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