Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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