i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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