I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
