I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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