I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
