I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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