Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i think i have herpe
just one?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
