Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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