My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
