How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
