Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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