Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
