Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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