your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
