I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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