I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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