How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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