8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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