Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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