I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
