I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
