My sheets look like a crime scene.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
What drink are we having for lunch?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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