He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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